SHaRPie iNK SMiLe(:

beautiful-lies:

I donno if this is because im selfish of clueless or just don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t know why the person who is meant to want the best from me seems to like me best when im sad. I don’t know why she seems to hate me when im happy. I love her to pieces and the thought of her wishing me away is unbarable. Everything i say is wrong. Everything i do is wrong. She doesnt tell me anymore. I don’t think she loves me anymore. I would give up everything good in my life for her to be happy. For her to just be content. But i guess i always hope that she would never ask me to do that. I miss her more then anything even when shes right in front of me. She doesnt look me in the eyes and she doesnt smile my way. She doesnt tell me whats wrong, and i dont know how im meant to know. I dont know what i’m supposed to do. She seems happiest when she is with other people. other people who are not me. I feel like i’m fighting for something that she doesn’t care about anymore. I feel like everything is crashing down. I want her to tell me what’s wrong. Something i can fix. I want to be able to sit with her, just the two of us and say nothing but know that there is no silence between us. I want her to know that im always here for her, no matter how many miles are between us. My plan backfired on me. I wanted her to get used to not having me around a little. I wanted her to not be hurt when i leave. I am not scared for myself, im scared of leaving behind the things i once supported. Things went wrong. Not only does she not need me to support her all the time. She doesnt need me at all. I guess im not needed anymore. As long as she knows that i will always be here if she needs me, if she decides that she needs someone to lean on, to talk to, to shout to or cry. I will always love her, and i don’t expect anything in return. But that doesnt mean i wont miss her. I spent so much time thinking about how she will be once im gone. I forgot to think about me once im away from here. I can’t. I just can’t let go. I miss it all too much. I don’t want to have to fight anymore. I miss her. I miss you my dear♥

XoX LuCiNdA XoX

 you’re not doing anything wrong. i’m just depressed about nothing and i have no clue why. i shouldn’t take that out on you, but there just seems to be this monster that takes over and spews bitchyness everywhere. i am jealous of your happiness, but that doesn’t mean i want to take it away. i love you and i’m sorry. i just have to sort out what is going on with me right now, because honestly i have no idea what’s making me act like this): <3<3<3

ever just have a bad day?? you’re feeling bitchy or sad, but there is no reason. or those days where you feel lonely, but you’re with your closest friends?? i had one of those days today. i hate it because everyone gets mad at you and you can’t even supply an explanation for your… confusing attitude. today was a day just to stay in bed, curled up in the fetal position, watching arthur episodes online. but i didn’t because for some odd reason, i dunno why, but i don’t actually like being depressed:P and sure when i got out of the house today there were fractions of time i felt happy. but then it ended when just a little tiny thing urked me and i snapped. this is the third day in a row that i have felt this way. it scares me, is this how i’m gonna be now?? i’m a bitch, i’m crying and i am tired.

i don’t know… ): something fucking good better happen soon, i can tell you that.

christmas wishlist in process(:
-a light bright
-a sumo wrestler costume

i hate this stupid firefly song):<

so sarah and i tend to have this curse, where we are never happy at the same time. sure we can be depressed at the same time, and our bitch days always clash, but we can never be truly walking on happy line together.

i am currently neither happy or sad or bitchy or anything. i am simpley meh. it sound like a horrible adjective, but it has promise that a real one will come along soon.  

anyways, on the surface sarah currently appears happy. this is of course due to chris and the exchange. but i’m not sure if she truly doubts my abilities as a best friend that i can’t tell something is bugging her besides her usual parental business.
we haven’t really spent any one on one time lately and if we do we spent it talking about useless shit, eating air popped popcorn and watching movies. so here is where i wish for that rulebook of life; do i push my best friend into telling me what the fuck is bothering her, or do i let her tell me when she wants to.

i am honestly leaning towards the first one, as sarah has this crazy idea that i don’t want her to complain and bitch to me when something upsets her.

when we first met, we would complain complain complain for hours in timmies, usually after an outing to a movie. now, almost a year later, we barely tell eachother what we ate for lunch. it’s just odd that as we grow closer we also grow apart… ??

or maybe i am completely wacked out of my mind and need mental help now. luckily tomorrow i am going on a field trip to toronto. we are going to the courthouse. one of the courtrooms we are attending involve mental cases. perhaps listening to other people who are fucked up will help snap me back to reality. that or we get to spend two hours in the eaton centre. there has been no illness that shopping has not curedXD

watching the terminal(: looove tom hanks